It’s no surprise that in this day and age, most people are watching movies through the magic of OnDemand. And who can blame them? Point, click, play. It’s so easy! But the ease and convenience of OnDemand have left our DVDs down for the count. Abandoned commodities. Once considered some of our most prized possessions, they’re now but forgotten trophies collecting dust and languishing on the cold, dusty shelf. (If you think that’s bad, consider those poor suckers on VHS.)
With that being said, when was the last time you scanned your own DVD collection? I know what you’re thinking – “There’s no need, I know what I have!” But believe me when I tell you the incriminating evidence of your extensive collection may actually surprise you. I took a trip down memory lane recently and what I discovered was truly embarrassing. Once faced with the ugly truth, I realized there was no one to blame for the ownership of some of these flubs but myself.
Take a look at this list I put together of the movies I own on DVD that, unfortunately, bring me the most shame. And feel free to cringe when necessary.
So go ahead, take a look at your collection and assess your own level of embarrassment accordingly. I dare you.
This remake can be summed up in three words – box office bomb. To be fair, Sir Michael Caine killed it the first time around as the Vespa-riding gigolo, and to expect Jude Law to measure up was a near impossible task. The plot was uncomfortable, the jokes didn’t land, and truth be told it just wasn’t as good as the original. At the time of its release, the film generated more buzz due to the eerie parallels in Law’s own personal life (playboy caught sleeping with the nanny!) and less so because it was any good. Come to think of it, did we really even need a movie to see Law star in damaging social situations? Methinks not.
Before his roles as a bone breaking boxer and the best friend of a pot-smoking teddy bear, Mark Wahlberg was an up and coming actor starring opposite Reese Witherspoon in this ’90s psychological thriller. First and foremost, the overacting is unreal. Granted the stars were mere children at the time, but certain scenes were just plain awkward to sit through. (May I remind everyone of that rollercoaster ride?) Speaking of awkward, this was also the first time audiences were introduced to Mark Wahlberg’s terrible kissing abilities. That is, until…
Boogie Nights (1997)
When this movie came out, it was about as close as you could get to watching porn without having to go through the humiliation of renting a video from the adult section at Blockbuster. Another Wahlberg classic, it’s the type of movie you watch alone…in a seedy motel room…with the lights off. Frankly, I may not even continue to display this movie on my DVD case – that’s how shrouded in self-judgment I am.
Jingle All the Way (1996)
Okay, okay. I know what you’re thinking and you’re right, this movie is awesome. So many quotable lines. (“Put that cookie down…NOW!”) Not to mention Phil Hartman in one of his last film roles before his untimely death in 1998. Sadly though, the plotline is the same old, overused, predictable story. An absent and neglectful father doesn’t quite cut it – this time starring Arnold Schwarzenegger! Change the record. Plus it’s played on TV ad nauseam come the holiday season so if I don’t catch it I have only myself to blame!
The Gingerdead Man (2005)
Believe it or not, before Gary Busey was entertaining us in Amazon Fire TV commercials, he actually had quite the lucrative film career and starred in a number of successful movies. The Gingerdead Man is not one of them. Busey plays the part of a convicted murderer whose soul is reincarnated into the body of a tiny, albeit malevolent, Gingerbread man. (Yes, a cookie.) If you’ve never even heard of this flick, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. A straight to DVD release wasn’t enough to stop this movie in its tracks. In fact, two subsequent movies were made to round out the trilogy – Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust and Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver. Unsurprisingly, these were also bombs. Er, that’s the way the cookie crumbles?
Elizabeth Berkley had a promising career ahead of her when she burst onto the scene as the intellectually stimulating Jessie Spano on “Saved By the Bell” in the late ’80s. (Even she was excited.) She was smart, she was funny, and she was cute. And then she lost her mind. In a move that more or less ended her career, Berkley bared all to play the role of Nomi Malone, a stripper on the road to stardom as she pursues her dream of becoming a Vegas showgirl. Fame. Deceit. Rape. (EEK to that last one.) The only good thing to come out of this movie was a drinking game that included but one rule – drink every time someone’s naked.
Smiley Face (2007)
In this stoner film, Anna Faris plays an aspiring actress with zero talent who inadvertently eats an entire platter of marijuana-laced cupcakes before taking to the streets to start her busy day. Pandemonium ensues. A series of misadventures befall our leading lady as the audience witnesses her struggles firsthand through bloodshot eyes. The humor is calculated but priceless. Mega props to Marion Ross (aka Mrs. Cunningham on “Happy Days”), Roscoe Lee Browne (aka the narrator with the sexy, baritone voice in Babe), and Jane Lynch (aka Jane Lynch) for lending their talents to a film that’s so obviously beneath them.